The end of Halloween??

     There is something really wrong with me. I really hope it's just a weird temporary thing because this could possibly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I'm really worried because I think I've lost the Halloween spirit (gasp)! For anyone that knows me, this is a tragedy. Halloween is absolutely my most favorite holiday. In fact, the only thing that could make it better is if my birthday was on October 31st! I love everything Halloween. If I had my way, I would have one room in the house permanently decorated for Halloween. There would be skulls & bats, coffins & vampires, cobwebs & witches, a bubbling cauldron & spider webs. But it would be classy Halloween. You know, the high-end stuff they sell at Michael's and Target. But needless to say, that got so vetoed! Just wait...when I grow up and get a place of my own...oh, yeah...that would be now. (Sigh.) It's really unfair because John has skulls in the Man Cave. Half of which I bought for him just so I could look at them. But I digress and that is the stuff another blog is made of.
     So as I was saying, I have this possibly fatal thing going on with me. Not fatal to me, but to my spirit of Halloween. I am just not in the Halloween mood. Normally, before the end of September the yard is decorated. Cob webs on the bushes. A skeleton hanging from a tree. A shrieking ghost that flies back and forth on the front porch. A witch's cauldron with lights and tulle that makes it look like some glowing smoke is coming out. The poor witchy-poo that drank too much Apple Pie and crashed into the Locust tree. The inflatable biker skeleton on the chopper & the giant inflatable skull. The list goes on. Well, normally it would.
     I tried to decorate two weeks before Pumpkin Show. Josie even helped. We went and got a bunch of pumpkins (12 to be exact) and set them around the trees and front porch. And then we went to the shed to get the rest of the goodies. And there is where what Halloween spirit I had floated away. The goodies were buried! Behind the lawn mower, behind some crates and propane tanks and under some Christmas lights. Now let me just say my hubs is in charge of the shed because it's a smaller version of the garage. It was a self-appointed postion, mind you, because I would not have organized the decorations in this manner! So after I moved the good ole John Deer and ran over Josie's bike in the process (which was in a location it should not have been!), we started to dig. Let me stop here to say that Josie is a good helper. Except when it comes to manual labor. She is one of the strongest kids I know but she can fake weakness at the drop of a hat. So after much whining and arguing, the crates and totes are moved out of the way. But there is still one giant tote of Christmas lights on top of the totes I need into. Of course, I picked one of the hottest Saturdays in October to do this. And this shed has no ventilation except for the doors. And we are hot and grumpy. And getting grumpier by the second. I managed to dig out some scarecrows. I'm fussing about whoever put the Christmas junk on top of the Halloween goodies and what I would like to do to their unorganized selfs. Josie, the ever supportive one, says, "Mom, let's just give up. I'm hot. This is soooo ridiculous! What idiot did this?" It goes on but it gets repetative and I'm very sure you get the idea. Since I am hot and irritated, I join in. "Why on earth wouldn't they pull the Halloween stuff out and put the Christmas stuff in first? Where is the logic in this? Ohmygosh! I can't supervise EVERYTHING!!" And since that part of my soul that takes care of the Halloween spirit is either on vacation or life support, I do something so unlike myself. I give up.
I pull out the scarecrows and arrange them with the pumpkins on the front porch. Ta-da! That's it! I'm good until Christmas! I stared at the porch and even though it looks nice I still felt a little sad inside.
     We went back in the shed and put everything back like it was. Well, almost. Like I said I was irritated. And hot! And grumpy! And I figured as long as I could get the lawn mower back in, it was all good! I did find my skull and roses wreath though. I'm going to hang it on the Mom Cave door and dare anyone to ask me when I'm taking it down!     

From Sex to Santa in 60 Seconds!

     Hi! My name is Tara but you can call me Christmas Ruiner. That's the new nickname my 10 year old gave me today. You can probably guess how I earned it but let me start from the beginning so you can get the full impact of my crappy day.
     Josie and I stayed up till midnight last night playing Farkle and watching TV. Since we were both about half asleep we decided to have a sleepover in the living room. Which is a good thing because that meant everyone woke up in a good mood this morning. But even though the weather promised us a beautiful day, it couldn't control the events that were to come. Exactly 90 minutes after we woke up, we were invaded. Home invaders? I wish!! No, we were invaded by a family member (who I will call Grumpy) who just walked in the back door and came on through the house without even a "Hey, everyone decent?" Which we weren't because Josie slept in one of her dad's tshirts last night and her booty was hanging out. So immediately she was embarrassed and offended in a matter of seconds. I look up and see Happy Sunday pacing in front of the door looking for a way out. Marvelous! It's amazing how fast Grumpy can clear a room. Within seconds, Josie was downstairs and I was in the Mom Cave. And that is pretty much where we stayed. The only problem was Grumpy has a big voice. A big voice that carries. A long way. And normally I can tune it out but today the big voice carried nothing but negativity. About what? You name it. The bartenders at Trackside last night. Whatever was on TV. The food he's been having at home. Anything he felt like he had an opinion on. It got to a point I no longer heard words just angry sounds that turned into a headache. Eventually, Grumpy left. But I had no false hope that he wasn't coming back. So I went downstairs with Josie to hang out and do laundry.
     I had Josie come sit with me on the couch so we could talk. I asked her what the kids were talking about at school these days. I got the usual "nothing". So I started dropping suggestions. What about sex? I knew they had to be talking about sex because she knew more than what I have told her so far. She was shocked! "Mom! We aren't supposed to talk about that until 5th grade!" From there it all went downhill. I told her I knew they were talking about something because of what she told me about sex and babies the other day. So she proceeds to tell me the 4th grade version of sex and getting pregnant. It involved a whole lot of kissing, a lot of laying down, not a lot of effort and possibly a positive pregnancy test after two weeks. Okey dokey then! I've been doing it entirely wrong! From there she went on to tell me that she knows this is right because she saw proof of it in movies and on TV. Well, can't argue with that one now can I? Then she went on to tell me that the movies she saw this in were called porn. She knows so because that's what the neighbor girl told her. My chin still hurts from hitting the floor! Half of my brain was trying to figure out where she got the porn while the other half was trying to decide if the neighbor girl is a reliable source. Siding with the rational half, I carefully ask her about the porn. "Oh just all the shows that have sex in them." Whew! Ok, neighbor girl not that reliable. After filing that away for future reference, I gave her a PG definition of porn and told her it was just for adults. All of a sudden I'm thinking that this conversation isn't going at all like I hoped for and maybe I should just bail out and let her go back to Club Penguin. But no! Why on earth would I do something so freaking sensible?! So....what else are they talking about? Tooth Fairy? Easter Bunny? Santa isn't real she says. Suddenly, I see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel! I press on. I asked her why she thought that. She said it wasn't her, it was the other kids. And, poof, the glimmer is gone. They are all haters she says. Trying out the logic again, I asked her if she thought he could be real. But of course he is! They pass the job from father to son. Logic joined Happy Sunday at the door and things weren't looking too good for me. We talked about all the Santas at the mall and how they are people in costume trying to make kids happy at Christmas and spread the giving spirit of Santa. Of course, it's also because he's really busy. Right?! I have never needed a drink like I did at that precise moment. I realized in that moment I would have rather given the sex talk a hundred times over than to go where we were about to. We talked about Daddy's friend that came to the house two years ago as Santa for her and my friend's kids. But I pulled his beard and it was real she says. I reminded her that she also saw him driving through town once. I tried explaining that it's more about Santa's spirit than Santa the person. So, he's not real? Little voice quivering. Eyes all big and sad. I sat there, tears welling up in my own eyes, knowing I was about to break my baby's heart. Who's idea was this anyway? "Well? Is he real?" And still I sit there looking at the ceiling waiting for the right words to magically appear that will turn this train wreck into a fender bender. "Why are you crying? Are you happy?" No. "You're sad. Why are you sad?" Because it's true. "He's not real?!" No baby, he's not. After the crying stopped, we talked about the presents from Santa and what Santa really means. And how lying about Santa and the Easter Bunny isn't the same as regular lying. (Still don't know how I pulled that one off!) And that's when she gave me the new nickname. Christmas Ruiner.
     This week a friend of mine had a discussion with her son about Santa. He initiated the whole thing and really just wanted a yes or no answer without a lot of explanations. I felt bad for her at the time, but now I'm thinking she got off easy. She didn't get a wonderful new nickname. There were no tears. It was a very logical process that her son had already worked through on his own. I can't wait for her to have the sex talk with him. Maybe it will go as well as my Santa talk!
     So I go upstairs to tell the hubs about our conversation and my lovely new name and he says, "got another steak we can lay out?" No, no, no please don't say it! Grumpy invited himself to dinner. Suddenly, I feel another headache coming on and an intense desire to get in bed and pull the covers waaaay up over my head. Out the corner of my eye, I see Happy Sunday slipping out the back door.

Polygamy - What's Love Got to do With it?

     There's a new sensation on the reality TV show circut! Sister Wives. I admit I watch it. I started watching out of curiosity. I mean how can three women live under the same roof and share a man and not kill each other? And they've been doing it for 20 years!! I mean, I couldn't even live with my sister-in-law for a year and didn't have to share a man! But after the first show, I think I'm hooked. I don't know how it happened but I already have "relationships" with each wife. For instance, the first wife, Meri only has one child while the other two have between five and six. I feel bad for her because Kody likes a lot of kids and she has only given him one. And even though you can tell she's kind of the "head" wife, I wonder if it bothers her that she hasn't had any more kids when her sisters are so fertile. Then there's the second wife, Janelle, who is the oldest and the heaviest. Even though she has the most kids (for now) and works outside the home 12 hours a day, I wonder if she is self-conscious since the other wives are skinnier (when they aren't pregnant!) and younger then her. Especially with the new girl, Robyn, coming into the picture. She is the prettiest and youngest of them all. Last but not least there is Christine who is pregnant with Kody's 13th child. You can tell she really loves the polygamy lifestyle. I think she likes being part of the family maybe even a little more than she likes Kody! But even though she likes the lifestyle, she's a little jealous of the new comer. Speaking of Robyn - Kody's first courtship in 16 years. They are now engaged and most of the family went on a road trip to move her closer to the family home. I have to admit, I don't think I like this new girl. Everything was going along fine and here she is. The other sisters aren't sure about a new wife either I don't think. Meri and Christine have already broken down and cried about it. Meri has said she would leave the marriage if it weren't for her high level of committment and if she didn't have a child. But Janelle is like "yeah, whatever, it'll work out."
     Then there's the issue of where in the world do they get all their money? Of course, the show will have it's financial benefits but what about before then? Their house is large enough for all the wives to have a house within the house for them and their kids. They go through eggs faster than the Waffle House. All the wives drive huge gas guzzlers and minivans. (I suppose they would have to with all those kids!) And Kody drives a sporty Lexus. Which by the way is not large enough to hold more than a wife and two kids. So we can tell right off where he thinks the parenting should come from. All we know about his job is that he is in advertising sales. Janelle works outside the home in a secret location 12 hours a day while Christine runs the house and watches the kids. Meri is going back to college. I guess when you're the first wife you get to have the cushy perks! Or maybe it's when you're the only legally married wife. Yep! That's right! Kody is only legally married to Meri. His marriages to Janelle and Christine are "spiritual". So in my mind that sets a couple of things off. First, his spiritual wives are considered single mothers. Does that make them eligible for welfare? Two single moms with 12 kids between them, that's a chunk of change! The other thing that I thought of was if they aren't really married, aren't they just a married couple with live-in mistresses for Kody? No wonder the sisters have issues about Robyn. He has two mistresses at home for crying out loud and now he's going off and courting another one? It makes me laugh to hear Robyn talk about not moving into the family home or not being physical until they are married. (Robyn and Kody kissed when they got engaged and the sisters had issues with it.) It makes me laugh because they are not going to be married - legally anyway! So how does that work? They have some sort of ceremony and presto-chango they are married and they can kiss and move in the family home? Do all the spiritually married sisters just change their name? How do the sisters get health insurance? I'm sure he can get coverage for Meri but what about Christine? She doesn't work and isn't legally married. Oh yeah, right I forgot - welfare!
     And then there's the kids. Kody married all three wives before any of the kids started coming along. So this is all normal to them. Plus they go to a school that is full of "plig" kids. This isn't anything weird in their book. What's out of the ordinary is that dad has a girlfriend. So let me make sure I get this...It's ok to have three moms but adding a fourth is weird? Not to mention that they will now have a step-brother and two step-sisters. That's about the only normal thing about this family!
     The other thing I noticed is they dress "normal". I guess I expected the sisters to all have long hair and wear dresses and be very proper. But they aren't and they don't. They look like the average family next door. Complete with the daughter that dyes her hair black in an attempt to stand out from the sea of blondes. Incidently, this is the same daughter that says she will not marry a polygamist. She doesn't want to share her man! You go girl! Forget the sisters! Get you a nanny and a maid!
     And why aren't there plig families with multiple husbands? Sure, it would be harder on the wife on the child bearing end of it but other than that it could be ok. Think about it. You could have one husband that was good at lawncare. Another at home maintenance. Another a housekeeper/cook. Add another that was good at child care and you'd have it made! Sure you'd have to work but so could half of your husbands. (Or you could have a couple more husbands with well-paying jobs!) And when you came home, you could put your feet up and relax knowing that all you had to do was spend time with the kids and catch up on all the shows you DVR'd! Wow! Why didn't anyone think of it sooner! Once again, the women of the world are getting the short end of the stick!
     I know when my husband found me watching this Sunday night, he had to be thinking, "What in the hell is she watching now?" He already has issues with my Hoarders: Buried Alive watching! (Sorry, but I can't help feel a little better about myself after watching a show about people whose houses look like the junk lady's from Labyrinth!) But I can't help myself. It's not like I'm watching it to pick up tips on polygamy in case John wants to change religions down the road. Right or wrong, it's a natural curiosity to see how other people live. It must be the psychologist in me trying to get out.