Another Day in the Life...

So yesterday Josie duped me into a book about glamour girls. She said it was part of a series she had read. As the evening progressed, I began to figure out that this wasn't exactly the case. It was more of a handbook on how to be a glamour girl. Big difference!!! In it she found a recipe for lipgloss & decided to make some last night. And it went like this:

Jo: Look at this. I'm going to go make some.

Me: (looking over list of ingredients) I don't think we have any of those flavor extracts.

Jo: (rummaging) We have Vanilla!

Me: (remembering what the clean kitchen looked like)

Jo: (making all kinds of noise)

Me: What are you using for the Vaseline?

Jo: No! I don't need Vaseline! It said jelly.

Me: Huh? Wait! What are you using?!?!

Jo: This jelly on the counter.

Me: The new strawberry preserves?!

Jo: Yes.

Me: Wait! Stop!! You can't use that!! It said petroleum jelly! You know...Vaseline!! (headache getting worse)

Jo: What?!

Me: What have you put in the bowl? Just the jelly?

Jo: Yes.

Me: Ok. Put it back in the jar & put it in the fridge.

Jo: Arrrghhh!! (slams, bangs, stomps around)

Dad: Why can't she? What kind of jelly does she need? What's Vaseline?

Me: Really?!? (rolls eyes & searches for Valium)

Dad: (still waiting for answer)

Me: You know...Vaseline...petroleum jelly...skin softener...

Dad: Can I get her some at IGA?

Me: No! You can get her some generic kind at Dollar General!! (turning back to online bingo, trying to disappear)

Fast forward to this morning. Josie still has her nose buried in the glamour book. This is amusing to me because all the way to Grove City yesterday, she loudly declared her tomboyism. Now there is a budding fashionista in our midst & I, for one, am scared as hell!! Today she found a page about how to be a celebrity. Again, I ask myself, "What have you done?!" It wouldn't be so bad if she was just playing around. But she is taking this seriously. I know there will be a fight tomorrow morning about why she cannot dress like that & go to school! How could I possibly know this, you ask? Well, considering we are currently arguing about why she can't put on her good clothes to play outside in just because she wants to be a celebrity, I'd say it's mother's intuition. Add to that the fact that her black tights now have a hole in them & Dad just patched them up with electrical tape &...well...you figure out the odds!

My life. You can't make this stuff up!! Although sometimes I wish I was!

So...I'm a grandma now....

       So...I'm a grandma now. Those of you that know me are rereading that and saying "what-the-what" or recalulating how old you thought my daughter was.  
     The exciting event happened about a week ago. She's as cute as can be. Big blue eyes. Lots of hair with cute little cowlicks everywhere. She already recognizes me and just coos when she sees me. It's just the sweetest thing!! Finally, I know how my girlfriends with grandbabies feel. It's all the love of your own kid without all the work! This grandparent thing is a killer job!!
     The only unfortunate part about the whole situation is that she is....a Guinea pig!
     We got our daughter a Guinea pig for Christmas. She had been wanting one for a few months but we just weren't sure that she was ready. I had her read books on their care and write me a report about them so that I knew she really read them. She even wrote a "care contract" for all three of us to sign. So the hubs and I discussed it and piggy shopping we went.
     We took time out from our date-day and stopped in Petland. Of course, John had to check out all the puppies first and then check to see if they had one of those ugly hairless cats he wants. Meanwhile, I headed for the Guinea pigs and began the search. All I knew is that she wanted a black and white one. Preferably an American because they are supposed to be easier to groom, at least that's what she read in those books. So while I'm chasing the pigs around their cage, John is trying to make nice with a ferret and ends up being attacked! Amazingly enough, ferrets don't like it when you blow in their faces! Whodathunk it?! Apparently not John.
     I must have looked desperate or something because one of the employees came over offering assistance. I began to tell her about Josie and the piggy quest and told her what we were looking for. I told her it had to be an American because they are easier to care for. Tyiara told me that the Abyssians are just as easy to groom. Now there's a bonus because their hair is all over the place and it really adds to their personality! They also had one with an afro! Must've been a mix between an American and an Abyssian. Anyway, she gives her sales pitch and it's our lucky day because when you buy the cage the piggy is free! I'm liking this! So while John is off looking at the fish or apologizing to the ferret, Tyiara and I go down the small pet aisle looking for goodies for our new pet. She goes and piles up all the goodies on the counter and I meet back up with John at the Guinea pigs. I'm really torn because there was only one black and white Abyssian and it was the cutest thing ever but how was I going to keep it a secret until the following weekend at Christmas? It would never happen!! I was already about to burst from excitement and there is no way Josie would never notice it. Tyiara told me that we could bring Josie back in after Christmas and she could pick it out. So that's what we decide to do. I paid for everything and ended up winning a $20 gift card! Now that's what I'm talkin' about!!
     Fast forward to a few days before Christmas. I called back down to Petland to reming them that we are coming down in a few days and to make sure they will have a black and white one. "No more deliveries until after New Year's." Say what now?! Fortunately, they had one left like we were looking for and they put it back for us. Whew! Christmas disaster averted!!
     We made a big deal out of it Christmas morning. The cage wasn't under the tree and we acted like there was a present we forgot. She already opened her DSi so she wasn't expecting anything else big. So I lugged it in from the garage and sat it in front of her. It was wrapped in a contractor's bag and she was very confused! She got the bag opened and started screaming! John got the bright idea to ask her where the piggy was. Now keep in mind that this cage is full of stuff and nowhere ready to house anything. The poor girl is searching all over the cage for her pet but it's not there. "It must have gotten out," she said. No, baby, your dad is being a goof. It wasn't there to begin with!
     Josie and I headed off to Petland that Monday morning. We went in and picked up some food and an exercise ball. We went over to the Guinea pigs to see what was there and they had two left. Wow! Neither was black and white. Looks like I called at the right time! Poor little afro guy was still there though. We lugged everything up to the counter and before I could say anything, Josie told the salesperson, "I'm here for my Guinea pig!!" Evidently, she was used to overly excited kids because she just took it in stride and went off to find it. She brought it back out and took it back out and what do you know?? It was the same one I picked out before Christmas!!! Now that's destiny right there!! Josie was oohing and ahhing and "Mommy loves you" all the way to the truck. We got in the truck and that's when she made her announcement. "Oreo, that's your grandma! And now we are going home to see grandpa!" Umm...that's who? Grandma?? To a Guinea pig??? Oh what the hell! I'm already a mom to two dogs and two cats.
     I must admit this grandma thing isn't too bad. I get to play with Oreo and let her snuggle and purr on my shoulder while I do crosswords and then put her back in her cage. Josie is in charge of the feeding and the cleaning and grooming. I'll admit...it's not my preference of a grandchild but it'll have to do for the next ten or fifteen years! The only thing is now I want to get a little friend for Oreo! Why is it I always think our pets need to have live-in friends?!? I'm sure I'll be going back to Petland before too long!!

The end of Halloween??

     There is something really wrong with me. I really hope it's just a weird temporary thing because this could possibly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I'm really worried because I think I've lost the Halloween spirit (gasp)! For anyone that knows me, this is a tragedy. Halloween is absolutely my most favorite holiday. In fact, the only thing that could make it better is if my birthday was on October 31st! I love everything Halloween. If I had my way, I would have one room in the house permanently decorated for Halloween. There would be skulls & bats, coffins & vampires, cobwebs & witches, a bubbling cauldron & spider webs. But it would be classy Halloween. You know, the high-end stuff they sell at Michael's and Target. But needless to say, that got so vetoed! Just wait...when I grow up and get a place of my own...oh, yeah...that would be now. (Sigh.) It's really unfair because John has skulls in the Man Cave. Half of which I bought for him just so I could look at them. But I digress and that is the stuff another blog is made of.
     So as I was saying, I have this possibly fatal thing going on with me. Not fatal to me, but to my spirit of Halloween. I am just not in the Halloween mood. Normally, before the end of September the yard is decorated. Cob webs on the bushes. A skeleton hanging from a tree. A shrieking ghost that flies back and forth on the front porch. A witch's cauldron with lights and tulle that makes it look like some glowing smoke is coming out. The poor witchy-poo that drank too much Apple Pie and crashed into the Locust tree. The inflatable biker skeleton on the chopper & the giant inflatable skull. The list goes on. Well, normally it would.
     I tried to decorate two weeks before Pumpkin Show. Josie even helped. We went and got a bunch of pumpkins (12 to be exact) and set them around the trees and front porch. And then we went to the shed to get the rest of the goodies. And there is where what Halloween spirit I had floated away. The goodies were buried! Behind the lawn mower, behind some crates and propane tanks and under some Christmas lights. Now let me just say my hubs is in charge of the shed because it's a smaller version of the garage. It was a self-appointed postion, mind you, because I would not have organized the decorations in this manner! So after I moved the good ole John Deer and ran over Josie's bike in the process (which was in a location it should not have been!), we started to dig. Let me stop here to say that Josie is a good helper. Except when it comes to manual labor. She is one of the strongest kids I know but she can fake weakness at the drop of a hat. So after much whining and arguing, the crates and totes are moved out of the way. But there is still one giant tote of Christmas lights on top of the totes I need into. Of course, I picked one of the hottest Saturdays in October to do this. And this shed has no ventilation except for the doors. And we are hot and grumpy. And getting grumpier by the second. I managed to dig out some scarecrows. I'm fussing about whoever put the Christmas junk on top of the Halloween goodies and what I would like to do to their unorganized selfs. Josie, the ever supportive one, says, "Mom, let's just give up. I'm hot. This is soooo ridiculous! What idiot did this?" It goes on but it gets repetative and I'm very sure you get the idea. Since I am hot and irritated, I join in. "Why on earth wouldn't they pull the Halloween stuff out and put the Christmas stuff in first? Where is the logic in this? Ohmygosh! I can't supervise EVERYTHING!!" And since that part of my soul that takes care of the Halloween spirit is either on vacation or life support, I do something so unlike myself. I give up.
I pull out the scarecrows and arrange them with the pumpkins on the front porch. Ta-da! That's it! I'm good until Christmas! I stared at the porch and even though it looks nice I still felt a little sad inside.
     We went back in the shed and put everything back like it was. Well, almost. Like I said I was irritated. And hot! And grumpy! And I figured as long as I could get the lawn mower back in, it was all good! I did find my skull and roses wreath though. I'm going to hang it on the Mom Cave door and dare anyone to ask me when I'm taking it down!     

From Sex to Santa in 60 Seconds!

     Hi! My name is Tara but you can call me Christmas Ruiner. That's the new nickname my 10 year old gave me today. You can probably guess how I earned it but let me start from the beginning so you can get the full impact of my crappy day.
     Josie and I stayed up till midnight last night playing Farkle and watching TV. Since we were both about half asleep we decided to have a sleepover in the living room. Which is a good thing because that meant everyone woke up in a good mood this morning. But even though the weather promised us a beautiful day, it couldn't control the events that were to come. Exactly 90 minutes after we woke up, we were invaded. Home invaders? I wish!! No, we were invaded by a family member (who I will call Grumpy) who just walked in the back door and came on through the house without even a "Hey, everyone decent?" Which we weren't because Josie slept in one of her dad's tshirts last night and her booty was hanging out. So immediately she was embarrassed and offended in a matter of seconds. I look up and see Happy Sunday pacing in front of the door looking for a way out. Marvelous! It's amazing how fast Grumpy can clear a room. Within seconds, Josie was downstairs and I was in the Mom Cave. And that is pretty much where we stayed. The only problem was Grumpy has a big voice. A big voice that carries. A long way. And normally I can tune it out but today the big voice carried nothing but negativity. About what? You name it. The bartenders at Trackside last night. Whatever was on TV. The food he's been having at home. Anything he felt like he had an opinion on. It got to a point I no longer heard words just angry sounds that turned into a headache. Eventually, Grumpy left. But I had no false hope that he wasn't coming back. So I went downstairs with Josie to hang out and do laundry.
     I had Josie come sit with me on the couch so we could talk. I asked her what the kids were talking about at school these days. I got the usual "nothing". So I started dropping suggestions. What about sex? I knew they had to be talking about sex because she knew more than what I have told her so far. She was shocked! "Mom! We aren't supposed to talk about that until 5th grade!" From there it all went downhill. I told her I knew they were talking about something because of what she told me about sex and babies the other day. So she proceeds to tell me the 4th grade version of sex and getting pregnant. It involved a whole lot of kissing, a lot of laying down, not a lot of effort and possibly a positive pregnancy test after two weeks. Okey dokey then! I've been doing it entirely wrong! From there she went on to tell me that she knows this is right because she saw proof of it in movies and on TV. Well, can't argue with that one now can I? Then she went on to tell me that the movies she saw this in were called porn. She knows so because that's what the neighbor girl told her. My chin still hurts from hitting the floor! Half of my brain was trying to figure out where she got the porn while the other half was trying to decide if the neighbor girl is a reliable source. Siding with the rational half, I carefully ask her about the porn. "Oh just all the shows that have sex in them." Whew! Ok, neighbor girl not that reliable. After filing that away for future reference, I gave her a PG definition of porn and told her it was just for adults. All of a sudden I'm thinking that this conversation isn't going at all like I hoped for and maybe I should just bail out and let her go back to Club Penguin. But no! Why on earth would I do something so freaking sensible?! So....what else are they talking about? Tooth Fairy? Easter Bunny? Santa isn't real she says. Suddenly, I see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel! I press on. I asked her why she thought that. She said it wasn't her, it was the other kids. And, poof, the glimmer is gone. They are all haters she says. Trying out the logic again, I asked her if she thought he could be real. But of course he is! They pass the job from father to son. Logic joined Happy Sunday at the door and things weren't looking too good for me. We talked about all the Santas at the mall and how they are people in costume trying to make kids happy at Christmas and spread the giving spirit of Santa. Of course, it's also because he's really busy. Right?! I have never needed a drink like I did at that precise moment. I realized in that moment I would have rather given the sex talk a hundred times over than to go where we were about to. We talked about Daddy's friend that came to the house two years ago as Santa for her and my friend's kids. But I pulled his beard and it was real she says. I reminded her that she also saw him driving through town once. I tried explaining that it's more about Santa's spirit than Santa the person. So, he's not real? Little voice quivering. Eyes all big and sad. I sat there, tears welling up in my own eyes, knowing I was about to break my baby's heart. Who's idea was this anyway? "Well? Is he real?" And still I sit there looking at the ceiling waiting for the right words to magically appear that will turn this train wreck into a fender bender. "Why are you crying? Are you happy?" No. "You're sad. Why are you sad?" Because it's true. "He's not real?!" No baby, he's not. After the crying stopped, we talked about the presents from Santa and what Santa really means. And how lying about Santa and the Easter Bunny isn't the same as regular lying. (Still don't know how I pulled that one off!) And that's when she gave me the new nickname. Christmas Ruiner.
     This week a friend of mine had a discussion with her son about Santa. He initiated the whole thing and really just wanted a yes or no answer without a lot of explanations. I felt bad for her at the time, but now I'm thinking she got off easy. She didn't get a wonderful new nickname. There were no tears. It was a very logical process that her son had already worked through on his own. I can't wait for her to have the sex talk with him. Maybe it will go as well as my Santa talk!
     So I go upstairs to tell the hubs about our conversation and my lovely new name and he says, "got another steak we can lay out?" No, no, no please don't say it! Grumpy invited himself to dinner. Suddenly, I feel another headache coming on and an intense desire to get in bed and pull the covers waaaay up over my head. Out the corner of my eye, I see Happy Sunday slipping out the back door.

Polygamy - What's Love Got to do With it?

     There's a new sensation on the reality TV show circut! Sister Wives. I admit I watch it. I started watching out of curiosity. I mean how can three women live under the same roof and share a man and not kill each other? And they've been doing it for 20 years!! I mean, I couldn't even live with my sister-in-law for a year and didn't have to share a man! But after the first show, I think I'm hooked. I don't know how it happened but I already have "relationships" with each wife. For instance, the first wife, Meri only has one child while the other two have between five and six. I feel bad for her because Kody likes a lot of kids and she has only given him one. And even though you can tell she's kind of the "head" wife, I wonder if it bothers her that she hasn't had any more kids when her sisters are so fertile. Then there's the second wife, Janelle, who is the oldest and the heaviest. Even though she has the most kids (for now) and works outside the home 12 hours a day, I wonder if she is self-conscious since the other wives are skinnier (when they aren't pregnant!) and younger then her. Especially with the new girl, Robyn, coming into the picture. She is the prettiest and youngest of them all. Last but not least there is Christine who is pregnant with Kody's 13th child. You can tell she really loves the polygamy lifestyle. I think she likes being part of the family maybe even a little more than she likes Kody! But even though she likes the lifestyle, she's a little jealous of the new comer. Speaking of Robyn - Kody's first courtship in 16 years. They are now engaged and most of the family went on a road trip to move her closer to the family home. I have to admit, I don't think I like this new girl. Everything was going along fine and here she is. The other sisters aren't sure about a new wife either I don't think. Meri and Christine have already broken down and cried about it. Meri has said she would leave the marriage if it weren't for her high level of committment and if she didn't have a child. But Janelle is like "yeah, whatever, it'll work out."
     Then there's the issue of where in the world do they get all their money? Of course, the show will have it's financial benefits but what about before then? Their house is large enough for all the wives to have a house within the house for them and their kids. They go through eggs faster than the Waffle House. All the wives drive huge gas guzzlers and minivans. (I suppose they would have to with all those kids!) And Kody drives a sporty Lexus. Which by the way is not large enough to hold more than a wife and two kids. So we can tell right off where he thinks the parenting should come from. All we know about his job is that he is in advertising sales. Janelle works outside the home in a secret location 12 hours a day while Christine runs the house and watches the kids. Meri is going back to college. I guess when you're the first wife you get to have the cushy perks! Or maybe it's when you're the only legally married wife. Yep! That's right! Kody is only legally married to Meri. His marriages to Janelle and Christine are "spiritual". So in my mind that sets a couple of things off. First, his spiritual wives are considered single mothers. Does that make them eligible for welfare? Two single moms with 12 kids between them, that's a chunk of change! The other thing that I thought of was if they aren't really married, aren't they just a married couple with live-in mistresses for Kody? No wonder the sisters have issues about Robyn. He has two mistresses at home for crying out loud and now he's going off and courting another one? It makes me laugh to hear Robyn talk about not moving into the family home or not being physical until they are married. (Robyn and Kody kissed when they got engaged and the sisters had issues with it.) It makes me laugh because they are not going to be married - legally anyway! So how does that work? They have some sort of ceremony and presto-chango they are married and they can kiss and move in the family home? Do all the spiritually married sisters just change their name? How do the sisters get health insurance? I'm sure he can get coverage for Meri but what about Christine? She doesn't work and isn't legally married. Oh yeah, right I forgot - welfare!
     And then there's the kids. Kody married all three wives before any of the kids started coming along. So this is all normal to them. Plus they go to a school that is full of "plig" kids. This isn't anything weird in their book. What's out of the ordinary is that dad has a girlfriend. So let me make sure I get this...It's ok to have three moms but adding a fourth is weird? Not to mention that they will now have a step-brother and two step-sisters. That's about the only normal thing about this family!
     The other thing I noticed is they dress "normal". I guess I expected the sisters to all have long hair and wear dresses and be very proper. But they aren't and they don't. They look like the average family next door. Complete with the daughter that dyes her hair black in an attempt to stand out from the sea of blondes. Incidently, this is the same daughter that says she will not marry a polygamist. She doesn't want to share her man! You go girl! Forget the sisters! Get you a nanny and a maid!
     And why aren't there plig families with multiple husbands? Sure, it would be harder on the wife on the child bearing end of it but other than that it could be ok. Think about it. You could have one husband that was good at lawncare. Another at home maintenance. Another a housekeeper/cook. Add another that was good at child care and you'd have it made! Sure you'd have to work but so could half of your husbands. (Or you could have a couple more husbands with well-paying jobs!) And when you came home, you could put your feet up and relax knowing that all you had to do was spend time with the kids and catch up on all the shows you DVR'd! Wow! Why didn't anyone think of it sooner! Once again, the women of the world are getting the short end of the stick!
     I know when my husband found me watching this Sunday night, he had to be thinking, "What in the hell is she watching now?" He already has issues with my Hoarders: Buried Alive watching! (Sorry, but I can't help feel a little better about myself after watching a show about people whose houses look like the junk lady's from Labyrinth!) But I can't help myself. It's not like I'm watching it to pick up tips on polygamy in case John wants to change religions down the road. Right or wrong, it's a natural curiosity to see how other people live. It must be the psychologist in me trying to get out.

Stupid Stuff Skully Does

This blog is dedicated to Kimberle Schiff of Oakwood Kennels. Without her there would be no Skully stories for me to tell.

     Let me just start out by saying I love my Skully. He is a sweet boy and a handsome Manchester Terrier. He has brought a lot of happiness to our house in the year he has been with us. But man, oh, man does he do some stupid stuff!
     I suppose it's not all his fault. I mean he comes from an intelligent breed (AKC registered and everything) and seems to be intelligent himself. But he's had a confusing life. Poor guy had three owners (in two different states) and four names before he was a year old. He has been Oakwood's Hot Like Fire, Dapper, Dougie and, of course, Skully. That doesn't even account for the nicknames we have given him (Skull-Skull, Bubbers, Lover Butt and GET TO THE HOUSE! just to name a few.). And then there was the flight from New York. I don't know what happened during the flight but when he saw me and figured out I was his forever mom, it was like the Pope seeing God. He was inseperable from me for months! Like I said, he is a smart dog but I think it's like when people say someone is book-smart. It usually means they don't have a lot of common sense. I think part of his common sense issue comes from his early life confusion but I'm sure that all of his self-inflicted head traumas don't help much.
     For example, my daughter and I were standing in her bedroom doorway at the end of the hall. Skully came out of my adjacent bedroom and starts walking down the hall. Only problem is he is looking back at us and not where he is going. Next thing you know...BAM! Skully hits his head on the doorjamb of the room across the hall. By this time, he has hit his head so much that it doesn't even phase him. Without stopping, he turned his head and kept on going. Meanwhile, Josie and I are in shock (only because the BAM was so loud) and are trying our very best not to laugh at him. (We have adopted the practice of not laughing at the pets when they do stupid things because Fiona -the tabby - seems to be very offended when we laugh at her. Ok, she gives us downright dirty looks when we laugh at her!) I tell Josie that I am going to find him one of those helmets they make people with head injuries wear so they don't hurt themselves anymore. She said, "Seriously?" I said, "Ebay!" She just nodded knowingly, because she has learned Momma can find almost anything there!
     But maybe it's not lack of common sense. Maybe he has ADD or short-term memory issues. The other day my brother-in-law had the recliner kicked back and was playing fetch with Skully. Well, Skully's version anyway. It's more like "You throw it. I'll get it, bring it back and you see if you can get it from me". Anyway, Skully knew the recliner was kicked back. He knew because he was sitting on the foot of it. However, he must have forgotten because when Dink threw the toy, Skully hit the floor like a ton of bricks. BAM! Scared the crap out of me. And him too! He gingerly walked over to me and with his oh-so-expressive eyes said, "Mom? What the heck just happened?!" Poor guy. I didn't know whether to cry from relief that he wasn't hurt or laugh so I gently scooped him up and held him until the memory was gone and he moved on.
     He runs in to things and hits his head so often that I'm beginning to think that he likes the sound he makes...BAM! At least he can figure out where that sound comes from - unlike the another stupid thing he does. Skully has, how shall I say, gastrointestinal issues. Could be from new food. Could be from the too many Scooby snacks he gets when Uncle Dink is here. Or could be from the non-edibles that he has a fetish for, including kleenex and underwear. It has been so bad that we have made a couple of trips to the vet because he has been so miserable. But mostly he just farts. And not just any farts, mind you. At least Wolfie has the decency to have Silent-But-Deadly's. We can't hear him so everyone gets the blame until we sort it all out. He pays no attention to his gas-passing. Doesn't even blink or raise an eyebrow. It's not like he farts all the time and no longer cares, it's just that he doesn't make a big deal about it. You know, like the old lady in front of you at the check-out line at the grocery. But not my sweet Skully. When Skully farts, he about breaks his neck to see exactly where that sound came from. You would think that he had no clue what his body was doing. I would understand if he only did this the first time he ever farted. But he does it EVERY TIME! Most recently was last night in bed. Of course, he wanted me to hold him so I was very aware of the situation.  As soon as the butt trumpet sounded (that's what we call it now), he whipped around, elbowed me in the chest and the inspection began. Confused and unable to find the trumpet player, he settled down and went back to sleep. I just stopped laughing (on the inside) and started to drift off when it happened again. This time I sustained no injuries - except olfactory ones - but still that damned trumpet player couldn't be found! I just cannot imagine why he would be so curious about a sound his own body makes. I mean he literally whips his entire body around to find the source of the noise. I'm guessing he hasn't ever figured it out since he still does it. But considering his love of squeaky toys, maybe he thinks that's what it is and he's trying to find it. Or figure out what it's doing in his butt.
     There are many other Skully stories out there but as I am reading this to my daughter we notice that Fiona has got the worst look on her face. I don't know if she understands what we are saying or why we are laughing but I'm not taking any chances. But considering she is now in the middle of slapping Skully (in the head no less), I would say she's either jealous that the story isn't about her or she is calling him 'Big Dummy Stupid'.

Ashville 4th of July Parade Policy - Say what now?!

This is the actual policy that was published in the 81st Annual Ashville 4th of July souvenir edition in last week's Advertiser. Copied word for word - incorrect wording and all. I can't believe that it took them 81 years to come up with an actual parade policy. What did we ever do without one before? The parades must have run amuck. There was probably a decline in attendance because we weren't doing it right. Seriously? We have been doing it wrong for 80 years???  Some of them are common sense and should be a rule in an organized parade, the others are out there. And knowing me as you do, you know I have to comment on them. Read on.....

1. No alcoholic beverages or illegal drugs will be permitted in the parade or line up area.
Violators will be arrested.
Ok, got it. Common sense rule #1. However, I did break this rule back in '90. Please don't tell the parade officials as I don't know what the parade policy statute of limitations is and would hate to be barred from attending or participating in parades in the future.

2. A safety chain must be used in conjunction with a ball or pin hookup on all floats.
Yep, common sense rule #2.

Hold on - it gets better!

3. No items of any kind may be thrown from the parade route to parade viewers. (candy,
fliers, campaign info, etc.)
This one is a major downer! I can remember, as a kid, everyone scampering to fill up bags with the candy thrown from the ball teams & whomever else was passing it out. It was a big deal among my cousins to see who could get the most. Should the kids be running into the middle of the street? No. Should their parents be making sure they don't? Yes. So maybe item #3 should read, "Keep an eye on your kids. Keep them out of the street during the parade. The Village is not liable if you don't act as a responsible parent and they get hit during their sugar frenzy." This will also affect all fliers handed out by churches and organizations as well as the pretty flowers that Scioto Blooms normally passes out. Hmmm...invoking rule #13 on the Village Church float could prove to be interesting!

4. All floats will carry an approved 5 lb. or more B C fire extinguisher at easy access to the
float driver.
Common sense rule #3. If your float catches on fire - put it out. The firetrucks are up ahead of you and it will take a minute for them to get to you.

5. All riders outside of truck cabs will be seated away from sides of beds and tailgates. Tail
gates must be securely closed.
For as long as I can remember, the cheerleaders have sat on the tailgates and cheered through the parade. No more, girls! You will have to sit in the bed & hope we can see you or cheer as you walk through the parade. BUT make sure you adhere to rule #10. And for the shorter members of the ball teams - could you hold up a sign so we can see where you're at in the truck?

6. No air horns or sirens are to be blown in the parade.
OMG! Really?!? Now this affects our firefighters and police officers. So what they are saying is that when the cruisers start the parade they can't use their sirens to let everyone know the-parade-is-coming-so-move- out-of-the-way. This also affects the semi-trucks that occasionally enter the parade to show off their new trucks. So when you see that cute little boy pumping his fist in the air like mad trying to get you to blow your air horn - keep on truckin'! Same for the fire trucks and cruisers. When you see someone along the route that you know - do not sound the sirens or blow horns of any kind. You're just going to have to wave and shout from now on. If not, rule #13 may occur and how freakin' embarrasing would that be?! Unfortunately, this also affects the ever-present Hillbilly floats. C'mon now - they are an Ashville 4th of July icon!

7. All floats must be preregistered and must be in all (3) parades to be eligible to win
prizes or money.
Well....DUH!!! That's like saying the Miss Ashville contestants have to be registered and in the parade to win. Hello...that's why they put the entry forms in the paper several times before the cut off time.

8. Pets, horses, bicycles, decorated autos and anything else that has to be judged must be at
the main parade route (1) one hour prior to the parade and must sign in when they arrive.
"Main parade route"? There is only one parade route that I know of. It's the same route for all three parades. So where do you want them to sign in? Anywhere along the route? Did you mean to say at the "beginning of the parade route"?

9. All elected officials are welcome to ride in the Grand Parade at no charge. There is,
however, to be no campaigning by any official in any way, including, but not limited to;
signs, buttons, literature,etc. any official or candidate for public office may ride in the
Grand Parade using CAMPAIGN SIGNS ONLY for a fee of $5O PER CANDIDATE.
Throwing of literature, buttons, or other material is prohibited during the parade.
I have to admit, this one made me shake my head in amazement. Basically, you want to charge them for advertisement. Ok. So....what about the floats that sport business or church names? Technically, that's advertising. And what is the definition of "campaign sign"? Is it a sign that tells you who the candidate is or is it one that says "Vote for me!"?  I think we need some clarification before I shell out fifty bucks to ride through a parade on a hot ass July afternoon. And, as a side note, I really hope that they wouldn't consider throwing buttons anyway. But what about the other two parades? The not-so-grand ones? Do the politicians have to pay to be in those too? Or are they barred from participating?

10. All marching unts must continue in a forward motion and are NOT PERMITTED TO
STOP AND PERFORM DURING THE PARADE.
This one is a real gem too. I'm guessing that this applies to the TVHS band, Dynamic Mention, cheerleaders & baton twirlers. Ok, now if you've ever been to an Ashville 4th of July parade, you know that occasionally a train will rumble through town cutting the "main parade route" in half. So what are these performers supposed to do? Just stand there & stop playing mid-song? No more showing off your skills during a delay in the parade. Sorry, TVHS cheerleaders. I know you did awesome at competition but there will be no showing your talent during the parades. Rule #13 applies here too.

11. All motorized entries must be operated by a licensed driver.
At first glance this should be common sense rule #4. If you're driving a car or truck through the parade or pulling a float with a tractor - I agree. But what about the kids that decorate their dirtbikes and four-wheelers to ride through the parade? Does this mean they can no longer participate? Isn't that being a little discriminatory?

12. There are to be NO SQUIRT GUNS in the parade route.
Well, ok. But kids will be kids. And since the ball teams can't throw candy at their friends, shooting them with water is just as fun - for both parties. Now if they are blasting an unwilling adult (or child) then that's a different story. C'mon guys, let the kids have some fun. Isn't that what you are supposed to do at a celebration? Or has the Village become too proper to allow their kids to be just like all the others before them? And does this apply to the people watching the parade??

13. All participants are expected and required to follow directions instructions given to
them by parade officials from the Ashville Community Club. Failure to do so could
result in immediate ejection from the parade route.
Ah yes, dreaded rule #13. I would almost like to see this one happen. Logistically, I don't see how it could  happen. First, are there going to be parade officials everywhere? Will they be in plain sight or are we talking undercover here? Second, how are they going to be immediately ejected? People line the streets of the "main parade route", blocking the streets off the main route. So the parade officials are going to have to move all of the people in the way and then escort the offenders away from the parade. This in itself is going to create a spectacle. I really don't see people willingly moving their seats that they have had staked out all morning or afternoon just so a parade participant can be ejected for some stupid reason. However, I think they may move rather quickly to see the drama of ejecting a cruiser or fire truck for sounding their siren! Now that I want to see!!! 

What I really want to know is what happened last year to justify some of these rules. I don't recall hearing of any injuries from a mis-directed flying campaign button. Seriously, I always thought the biggest issue of the Grand Parade was who is in charge of cleaning up after the horses? Apparently, that is a non-issue because it wasn't even mentioned. Kinda makes me want to enter a float, throw a politician, some candy, a siren and some performers on it. But I'd have to pre-register and put it in all three parades if I have any chance at all of getting a prize!