The Gut Feeling

All Thursday evening my stomach has bothered me. I would say it was my cooking except that no one else is sick & my cooking has never been that bad. Well, except the time that I cooked my mom a salad on the stove with mustard & ketchup. But I was only 7 at the time! And, yes, she choked down every bite! That alone should have earned her Mother of the Year for at least a decade!
This used to happen to my mom a lot. Her stomach would get upset whenever something bad was about to happen. Sort of a gastrointestinal ESP or something. I was like that growing up. Only I didn't have stomaches, I just "felt" things. Like the time when I was 9 and I knew something was wrong with my Gramma who was 50 miles away. I called home from my Dad's house & sure enough my Gramma had broken some toes. It's not like I'm psychic. I can't tell your fortune or predict the near or distant future. Unless of course it is my child's future & she is in trouble! And Josie is even starting to show the signs. She told me that she didn't trust a certain relative of ours. She said that he was going to cheat us. Now she had no reason to say these things. She had no knowledge of what was going on with my mom's Trust. A few months later, I took over the responsibility of the Trust. Much drama ensued & I found things weren't entirely kosher with the whole situation. I suppose she was right after all. I have a few memories of my mom telling me things about my Gramma too but not a lot. Gramma was too God-fearing to acknowledge the possiblity of such things.
So instead of sleeping, I've been running through an equation in my head. For once, I'm sorry that it's not the mathematical kind. I have had a lot of Christmas spirit this year. I always do but more so this year. It hit me right after Thanksgiving. I have been baking and cooking like crazy - and NOT complaining about it. I even thought about going to the Christmas Eve service tonight. I usually only listen to the Christmas radio station at night when we are falling asleep because this is John's favorite holiday. But I have been listening to it in my truck and in the house for weeks. Nothing but Christmas music. I have heard so many variations of 'Oh, Baby, it's Cold Outside' that I've lost count. Who would have thought of pairing Rod Stewart & Dolly Parton together? And every Christmas song seems romantic to me. Causing to gaze at my husband like a goofy schoolgirl and just love everybody. But there is one song that I cannot listen to. The Christmas Shoes. I used to be able to and think that it was a touching song. But since my mom passed and with all the medical issues I have, it hits a little too close to home. Josie knows this & when it comes on the radio she will change it to the other Christmas station! So you can imagine how overwhelming it was when I was forced to watch the movie tonight.
So the equation goes something like this. Abnormal amount of Christmas Spirit plus overwhelming sadness caused by a movie multiplied by nausea & pain in stomach. Then factor in my newest heart issues & the fact that I will be having heart surgery after the first of the year. Also factor in that my husband's heart isn't in the greatest shape either. (I think the cardiologists are covertly prepping him for the possibility of a heart transplant.) An equation like this does simply not allow the rational part of my brain to take charge. The worry-wart part of my brain has convinced itself that some tragedy is about to take place. But what makes it worry more is that it cannot pinpoint what the tragedy is. Or maybe it is working with the perceptive part of my brain, which in turn is kicking in the gastrointestinal ESP. I suppose I won't really know until it happens considering my ESP is more the I-told-you-so kind. Which, I might add, is not very helpful whatsoever!
In the meantime, I'm going to go crawl in bed with my daughter. She still makes baby sounds in her sleep & it is very soothing. Hopefully I'll be able to say that the I-told-you-so wasn't as bad as I fear.