Our crazy animals!

     We have 2 dogs - a Min-Pin (Wolfie) & a Manchester Terrier (Skully). We also have 2 cats - Princess Fiona & Zoe. Fiona could not have been named any better if we had waited a year to name her. She is the priss of all prisses. The cat will not drink from the water bowl. She has to scoop up the water with her paw & drink from there. She will also only eat canned cat food if it is the shredded kind & then only if we chop it up even smaller. She will not eat treats as they are beneath her royal status. Her only vice of the common cat is catnip. She will roll around & act a fool over just a speck of catnip! Now, Zoe is a totally different story. I call her my ninja warrior. She will sneak up behind you, slap you & disappear! She has fought with Wolfie - WWE style - like they were equals. And at the sake of embarrassing my boy, it is with mixed feelings that I say she has properly kicked his ass! She will eat anything that doesn't move and has no qualms about eating treats. In fact, she asks for them & has learned to sit pretty to get them. Zoe will also fight with Fiona. But it is all in fun & they usually call a draw & walk away friends. Still it cracks me up to watch them because they look like those boxing cats you see on TV. Wolfie is our polite boy. He tries to get along with everyone but has had a rough time since he first moved in. Fiona had to establish her dominance by bitch-slapping him every time he came in her sight. They get along now & even cuddle once in a great while. And he is friends with Zoe too. She quit wrestling with him when Skully moved in. As a matter of fact, she relocated to the basement when he moved in! Skully is the newbie. A transplant from New York. He is a sweet boy but has abandonment & chewing issues. Wolfie has become a different dog since Skully came. He actually plays now. They roll around in the back yard snarling & growling like a couple of Pit Bulls about to do some major damage, but they are really just playing. And when Skully wants Wolfie to play he makes this sound like a Grizzly bear. It is too funny & I have to get it on video! They are best buds & totally inseperable. In fact, when I called to make sure the kennel had room for them when we go on vacation, I had to request that they be put together. (Yes, they are spoiled!)
     So I tell you all this to tell you about the craziness that happened this afternoon. You see it just wouldn't have the same effect if you didn't understand their personalities just a little. It was 5:30 & Josie had just fed the pets like normal. And like normal, Skully felt the need to harass Zoe. Poor thing hasn't ate in peace in almost a year! They were all eating - or so I thought - & all of a sudden I heard the biggest commotion & a blur of many colors flying past me down the basement steps. As near as I can figure, Zoe was in a zero-tolerance mood today & absolutely didn't want to be bothered by Skully. Either that or he tried to stick his nose somewhere it didn't belong - literally. There was exponentially more hissing than on a normal evening. After the commotion died down & the fur settled on the steps, I notice Fiona sashaying down the stairs. This is normal - she had just eaten her chopped & shredded cat food & was going, well, you can figure that one out. A couple of minutes pass & there is no noise from the basement. No hissing or barking. No "please play with me" whining. I call for him to come back up. Nothing. I holler louder. Nothing. At this point I start to get nervous because he usually comes to me the first or second time I call & there is total silence coming from the basement. I didn't even get a chance to call him a third time when the hissing started. Next thing I know here he comes with Fiona right behind him - hissing, running on three paws & slapping Skully on the ass with the other! About half way up he got disoriented - partly from the butt-whipping & partly from all the yelling I was doing. He went back downstairs until I called for him again. Meanwhile, Fiona waited for him right where she left off & when he passed her she continued the hissing & slapping all the way to the top of the stairs. Her tail was as big around as one of those static duster things. At this point I was some where between shock & laughing so hard I could have peed . I have never seen her chase one of the dogs down like that. He was so scared that he ran all the way to the bedroom & tunneled under the blankets until John came home. Fiona, on the other hand, just looked at me like "What?" & walked over to the the food dish. Zoe, come to think about it, I haven't seen since. But if she's hiding, nothing will bring her out until she's ready.
     I swear, I need to install cameras in every room just to get all the pet action. Some days it's like a zoo! Or maybe I could get a couple of those little cameras that fit on a collar. Those would be some crazy action shots. I do think I am going to get a little camcorder & record the boys outside this summer. They would be a hit on YouTube or America's Funniest Home Videos!

Zoe

 Skully & Wolfie

Fiona

Vajazzle

     So the other night, Jennifer Love-Hewitt announced to George Lopez and the rest of the world that she "vajazzles". Since I missed the show, I didn't have a good idea about what the fuss was about. Which is unusual because normally I'm on top of things. To try to iron all this out, I consulted my good friend Google. First pictures I saw were undies that said "Vajazzle". Ok, they were cute and sparkley but no biggie. Then I started reading the blurbs and found a how-to page. (Well, sort of. It's not like there was follow along pictures or anything - so if you don't have a good imagination that isn't going to work for you.) Anyway, it's pretty simple. Two whole steps.
     Step 1 - get an ouchless Brazillian. Ouchless Brazillian! Now if that's not the epitome of an oxymoron I just don't know what is. It should be listed as an example in the dictionary. I will admit I have a fear of the Brazillian. I tried waxing my legs once and it ended in painful disaster. Now if they think I'm going to do that to my far more delicate nether region, then they are high on something I don't want a part of. I have a girlfriend that gets a Brazillian at the beginning of swimsuit season just like she's going to get her nails done or something. Like going to get wax applied and then ripped off of your vajajay is no big deal. I'm afraid, for me anyway, an ouchless Brazillian would have to include some Versed or something else to knock me out completely. Wake me up when it's all over and give me some Percocet for the pain! Maybe we could modify step 1 to "shave the area to be vajazzled". That I could live with.
    Step 2 - apply crystal tattoo. Are these the same crystal tattoos that you can find in the makeup aisles of WalMart? Or do I have to order them special off of the internet? The directions don't specify but do say to be careful because that area is sensitive. (Really?! Did you just realize that now? I'll bet you figured that out after you had your "ouchless" Brazillian!) But still this could be festive. Use a different tattoo for each holiday. Get special ones for the big game day. And if you have a really steady hand you could get the individual crystals and spell out your man's name or honey-do list. Bet he wouldn't forget those chores then! And I suppose if you aren't into all the sparkley, then you could apply regular temporary tattoos. There's a lot more variety in that genre. If you are really creative, you could create an entire scene with the tattoos. Then we could call it Vaj-art. And for those truly brave souls out there, you could actually get a permanent tattoo - but it wouldn't have the bling factor.
    Still, I don't know what would possess a person to come up with this? How much boredom does it take for a person to say "I'm going to wax my vajajay and bling it up a bit." Maybe a stripper or a porn star came up with it. I don't know for sure but I can bet that it is going to become a trend. It's been on national tv, the internet, blogs (other than mine) and there is even a salon in New York that does it. What I think will be surprising is the age of the women that do it. I think this just won't be for the 20 year old bikini wearers. I think it will be a hit with every imaginative and adventurous woman of almost any age. Besides isn't 40 the new 30 or something? So go on ladies - run out and get some bling and surprise your honey! And when you see me out and about, feel free to let me know how that ouchless part worked out for you - just don't show me the pictures of it on your cell phone!