You Gotta Have Faith

     I'm just going to say from the beginning that some of you may not agree with what I have to say. But these are my thoughts, feelings and questions. I am on a journey to find religion. I think I am more of a spiritual person than a religious one. I have the faith part down - goodness knows that I probably wouldn't have made it through all I have without it. And I believe in a higher power. I like to think that there is something out there bigger than all of us keeping watch. But that's where it ends. My family wants to start attending church, but with all of the doubts floating in my head, I feel like a hypocrite if I go.
     I was raised & baptized in the Methodist church. My paternal grandfather was a Methodist minister. My maternal grandmother was one of the most religious people I know. My mom & I went to church pretty regularly until I reached junior high & started questioning everything. My mom tolerated my doubts but cautioned me not to speak of it to my grandmother. Even evolution was a taboo subject. When I was in junior high, I became obsessed with a TV show of Richard Roberts - Oral Roberts' son. My whole life revolved around that show. Which was difficult because it was on when I was supposed to be in school. For two weeks, I stayed home "sick" just so I could watch it. This was a secret I kept for many years. I suppose I was embarrassed that I got sucked into it all. I began to understand how so many elderly people freely sent every dime they had to ministers like that.
     For as long as I can remember, I've questioned the Bible. Not that the historical events didn't occur but how much of their factuality got lost in the translation over the years. And how there are so many verions of the same text. People can - and do - take the meaning of the words in so many different ways. Lots of times in ways that benefit them the most. I know that many versions exist because I have several in my home.
I've always felt that when you worship something, there should be a ritual involved. I think the Catholics have the closest thing to performing rituals of all the religions I have been exposed to. I don't understand how a minister speaking of his beliefs and translations of the Bible are supposed to help me worship God. Isn't he really telling me that I should believe as he does? But didn't God give me a brain so that I could have my own thoughts? I also don't understand how they use God & Jesus Christ interchangeably. Wasn't Jesus the son of God? So how are they the same? 
     I also have "issues" with certain religions. Like the Jehovah Witnesses. They don't celebrate their children's birthdays. Only Jehovah's. But aren't children a gift from God? So shouldn't we celebrate the wonderful gifts He has given us? They also don't believe in America, or so I've been told. With several friends and family members that have served in our Armed Forces, that doesn't sit too well with me. I had some come to my door a few months ago asking me about my feelings on the war. Jehovah must have given them some extra strength to enable them to walk past the American flag that we put up. I ran them off the porch. I think their mouths may still be hanging open after they heard what I had to say. And how about the religions that tell their followers to kill those that have different beliefs than them? What kind of god is that? I also have issues with Christian schools, especially when my preschooler comes home and says, "Guess what Mom? I have two moms and two dads." The other parents being Mary & God. It's amazing how literal a small child can take a statement like that.
     I feel at peace and the closest to God when I am surrounded by nature. It may sound silly, but when I am on the back of the motorcycle going down the road through the trees, I feel Him there. When I am in the ocean, surrounded by the vastness of the water or flying in a plane, high over the clouds or working in my gardens, digging in the earth, nurturing the plants & fighting the weeds or floating in the pool watching the clouds constantly changing shape - I feel Him in all those places. All those things make me pause and take notice of all that has been provided to us. I don't get that feeling that sitting in a pew listening to a minister drone on about something that we are supposed to derive a message from that is somehow related to a passage from the Bible.
     For several years now, I have been seeking a religion. I have known for a long time that I am not a conventional church-going person. There are just too many things that I don't appreciate about it. Off and on, I have been reading about Wicca. I find it very interesting. Their main belief is very basic but true. "If it harms none, do what ye will." How wonderful would the world be if everyone felt this way? If everyone focused on the positive in their life & those around them instead of all the negative? When I first started my reading, I had to do it in secret. My husband was adamant that he would have no devil-worshipper in his house. Ironically, Wiccans neither believe in or worship the devil. After he stopped long enough for me to explain that to him, he began to actually listen instead of criticize. This caused me to want to learn more as though I could prove all the theories I have considered for a very long time. Wicca has been around a lot longer than Christianity. In fact, in the beginning, Christians made their holidays close to the Pagan calendar so it would be easier to convert the Pagans to Christianity. For example, Christmas is at the time of the Winter Solstice or Yule. Christianity also made the satanic references to the pentagram. Which is interesting because until the medieval times, the pentagram was a Christian symbol of the 5 wounds of Christ. Little facts like this make me question conventional religion more and more. It also makes my quest to find what I'm looking for all that more important.
     Irregardless of where I end up or how I get there, I will always have faith in God. He has shown me much love and mercy in my life and that cannot be disputed.